Getting It All Out

I don't know how easy this is going to be, but Im going to go ahead and 'Lay it all on the table'. Part of me just wants to vent and get things off my chest. Part of me wants people to have a better picture of what Im dealing with, so maybe they will give me a break.  I will start with my health. Maybe in a future post, I will rattle off all of my conditions. It honestly is pretty ridiculous when they are all listed. There are so many, it is almost comical. Most of the time, I try to stay positive, and look at the glass half full. I don't complain much. Usually when I do, Its because things are BAD.  I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me sometimes though. There are times when I get pretty down, and down right angry about it. Life can be really unfair sometimes. But, at the end of the day, I still count my blessings.

I have 'good days' and 'bad days'. I never feel good, but I have started classifying a 'bad day' as a day when my symptoms are extremely amplified, making it hard to function at my 'normal' capacity and something that will stand out in my memory in the weeks following. Just to give you an idea of how I feel on my 'good days', here it is:  Upon waking up, I have to slowly sit up, wait a bit then slowly stand-otherwise, my heart will start racing, I will get extremely dizzy and most likely fall down. Going slow is fine, because my entire body hurts and is very stiff, I cant move fast anyway (it usually takes a good hour for the stiffness to ease up. The pain never goes away-my normal baseline pain level is usually at an 8). I am always EXHAUSTED. I don't just mean tired. I am talking down to my bones, moving is strenuous, and even breathing is exhausting. I just feel completely drained. No matter how much I sleep, with my c-pap or with out, all the supplements and vitamins don't help. I always feel like I have the flu. The achy, running a fever, nauseous, dizzy, just want to throw up and sleep feeling. I have a slight headache most days. I constantly forget things. Sometimes I have a hard time talking-I might stutter, slur my words or have a hard time getting out what Im trying to say. Every time I stand up either from sitting or bending over, My heart starts racing and I get lightheaded (I wish it only happened in the morning upon waking up) I have random episodes of chest pains and tachycardia through out the day. My hands and feet will randomly go numb, causing me to fall down, trip or drop things. By the end of the day, I usually have a hard time walking and my joints are hot and swollen.

Again- This is my 'good day' this is my normal. Feeling this way, I get up every morning, I get my hubby and daughter ready for work/school. I make breakfast, I pack lunch. I walk J to the bus (thank goodness there is a bus this year).  I try my best to keep up on housework. I see clients. I teach voice lessons. I cook from scratch, without a microwave. I help Jasmine with homework. I force myself to carry on as best as I can. However, I am learning more and more that I have limitations, and I need to accept them. I dont expect people to understand how I feel, and I wouldn't want anyone to. But, I have had so much criticism, and some people who I thought were close to me, be very cruel. I also, have gone from being someone who was a super planner, to now having to take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour, because things can get bad with no notice. It has effected my ability to 'go out' or go to events or functions. I have to 'count my spoons' and be very careful with my time, and things that I do. If I do too much in a day, it has the potential to make the next day or even week really bad for me.  I am being forced now to focus on myself.  I have had to cut people out of my life who are not supportive, and refuse to 'meet me where Im at.' Ive always been a people pleaser. I have always gone out of my way for people. I now am learning how to have a different approach. Im looking at relationships in a new way. And only keeping people in my life that treat me good, are understanding/supportive, and truly care about me and my family. When things get hard, whether that is because of tragedy, trauma or chronic illness, you find out very quickly who your true friends and/or family are. Who are going to love and support you through any and everything and who cares for you conditionally. Thankfully, I have a great support system, wonderful friends and family, who have always stood by my side no matter how hard times get. To those no longer in my life, I wish them the very best.

I am really learning a lot about myself through all of this, and am adjusting to my new 'normal'. I am doing everything I can to be as healthy and as active as I can. Even though this is lifelong, I feel like I am doing something to keep myself going.