Getting It All Out

I don't know how easy this is going to be, but Im going to go ahead and 'Lay it all on the table'. Part of me just wants to vent and get things off my chest. Part of me wants people to have a better picture of what Im dealing with, so maybe they will give me a break.  I will start with my health. Maybe in a future post, I will rattle off all of my conditions. It honestly is pretty ridiculous when they are all listed. There are so many, it is almost comical. Most of the time, I try to stay positive, and look at the glass half full. I don't complain much. Usually when I do, Its because things are BAD.  I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me sometimes though. There are times when I get pretty down, and down right angry about it. Life can be really unfair sometimes. But, at the end of the day, I still count my blessings.

I have 'good days' and 'bad days'. I never feel good, but I have started classifying a 'bad day' as a day when my symptoms are extremely amplified, making it hard to function at my 'normal' capacity and something that will stand out in my memory in the weeks following. Just to give you an idea of how I feel on my 'good days', here it is:  Upon waking up, I have to slowly sit up, wait a bit then slowly stand-otherwise, my heart will start racing, I will get extremely dizzy and most likely fall down. Going slow is fine, because my entire body hurts and is very stiff, I cant move fast anyway (it usually takes a good hour for the stiffness to ease up. The pain never goes away-my normal baseline pain level is usually at an 8). I am always EXHAUSTED. I don't just mean tired. I am talking down to my bones, moving is strenuous, and even breathing is exhausting. I just feel completely drained. No matter how much I sleep, with my c-pap or with out, all the supplements and vitamins don't help. I always feel like I have the flu. The achy, running a fever, nauseous, dizzy, just want to throw up and sleep feeling. I have a slight headache most days. I constantly forget things. Sometimes I have a hard time talking-I might stutter, slur my words or have a hard time getting out what Im trying to say. Every time I stand up either from sitting or bending over, My heart starts racing and I get lightheaded (I wish it only happened in the morning upon waking up) I have random episodes of chest pains and tachycardia through out the day. My hands and feet will randomly go numb, causing me to fall down, trip or drop things. By the end of the day, I usually have a hard time walking and my joints are hot and swollen.

Again- This is my 'good day' this is my normal. Feeling this way, I get up every morning, I get my hubby and daughter ready for work/school. I make breakfast, I pack lunch. I walk J to the bus (thank goodness there is a bus this year).  I try my best to keep up on housework. I see clients. I teach voice lessons. I cook from scratch, without a microwave. I help Jasmine with homework. I force myself to carry on as best as I can. However, I am learning more and more that I have limitations, and I need to accept them. I dont expect people to understand how I feel, and I wouldn't want anyone to. But, I have had so much criticism, and some people who I thought were close to me, be very cruel. I also, have gone from being someone who was a super planner, to now having to take things day by day, sometimes hour by hour, because things can get bad with no notice. It has effected my ability to 'go out' or go to events or functions. I have to 'count my spoons' and be very careful with my time, and things that I do. If I do too much in a day, it has the potential to make the next day or even week really bad for me.  I am being forced now to focus on myself.  I have had to cut people out of my life who are not supportive, and refuse to 'meet me where Im at.' Ive always been a people pleaser. I have always gone out of my way for people. I now am learning how to have a different approach. Im looking at relationships in a new way. And only keeping people in my life that treat me good, are understanding/supportive, and truly care about me and my family. When things get hard, whether that is because of tragedy, trauma or chronic illness, you find out very quickly who your true friends and/or family are. Who are going to love and support you through any and everything and who cares for you conditionally. Thankfully, I have a great support system, wonderful friends and family, who have always stood by my side no matter how hard times get. To those no longer in my life, I wish them the very best.

I am really learning a lot about myself through all of this, and am adjusting to my new 'normal'. I am doing everything I can to be as healthy and as active as I can. Even though this is lifelong, I feel like I am doing something to keep myself going.

Some Thoughts

It has been forever since I put up a new post. I haven't been blogging at all on any of my blogs. To say that I have a lot going on right now is an understatement! I am pretty much run down at this point.  I know that blogging before has really helped me get things off my chest and feel better, so I am going to try to do it regularly.  I think I will do a overhaul on both of my personal blogs too. This one will be mostly about my personal journey and medical stuff. Things are a bit out of control with my health right now, and it might be good to have a regular place to vent. Also documenting everything might give people a better idea of what Im going through, and possibly help someone going through something similar.  It is really hard having a chronic illness. It is even harder having many. Even though I have many family and friends that love me, its hard to not feel alone. Some people seem to judge me, or act like Im am being a big baby. Some people just cant handle it. Some people cant handle life that isnt sunshine and daisies.  I get a lot of unsolicited opinions and advice. In the near future, I may do a post on 'What Not To Say To Someone With Chronic Illness, And How To Help Instead'

Most of the time, I try to stay very positive. People who know me well, know that I often even joke about my health and how messed up it is. I would be lying though if I said it doesn't ever get to me, and that Im not totally freaked out by it.  Lately, it seems that I am constantly going to the dr, and I am not getting any good news. Trying to keep it all straight is hard...seeing a number of different drs/specialist, dealing with so many separate conditions, making sure that treatments don't interact, learning all about each condition, trying to find natural/alternative things to do for them.  Honestly, sometimes it is way to much to handle. Sometimes, when Im in an appt, I have to force myself to keep listening and pay attention. I almost just want to blank it all out and not hear it. Because sometimes when I really pay attention and think about everything, I get really scared and overwhelmed.   I don't want to sound like Im whining. I know things could always be worse ( I have stopped saying that out loud, however, because I feel its being mistaken as a challenge) I also believe that there are no mistakes and that there is a reason that I am walking this path. I do know that I have many blessings in my life as well. There are just somedays when it all gets to me.  

I have a lot of dr appts in the next few weeks, so I will try to post about all of them, and get more in depth about what is going on....

Self Care

It has been such a long time since my last post. And so much has happened.  I turned 30, Jasmine and I had our Art in an art show, Bryan's dad passed away (on Angies birthday) then my biological father passed away about 2 weeks after that.  Needless to say, I am having a difficult time with everything, and started counseling.   Through out my life, I have been a perfectionist, and people pleaser. I have always put others first, and have 'done' for others.  Which, I dont think is a horrible trait to have, if you have balance. I didnt (dont) I put myself very last. And I am now at a hard place, where I feel like I dont have anything left. I find myself often wondering if people genuinely like/love ME, or just what I do for them.  I feel like I have to go above and beyond for everyone, and make everything perfect for them, or I will lose them, because just ME alone is not good enough, and Im not worth it.  So I am trying to work through everything, and make changes. In what I do for people. In how available I am....If I havent been kind to myself, or taken care of myself, I need to say no. Setting limits and boundaries.  Caring for myself, and building a better relationship with ME.

Its insanely overwhelming processing it all, and working through events in my life that have caused me to be this way.

thoughts

I have been doing alot of soul searching lately.  Really reflecting on everything, and trying to put everything in perspective. Trying to decide how to proceed. Alot of it has to do with me turning 30.  Alot of it has to do with my health, losing my sister, and part of my past that I am being forced to confront.  I have alot of 'crap' I have been carrying around for far too long. I am determined to work through it all, and let it go. I want to go into my 30's free from it all.   I tend to internalize everything. Something stressful/tragic/heartbreaking happens, I react, then ball it up, and store it away, and 'Power through"-This is no longer working for me. Not that it was in the past, but I am on the brink of completely exploding and having a melt down.  I know that I have alot of work ahead of me, but I am ready. I know that I have to so I can be the best mother and wife I can be.  And So I can truly find myself.  I went to a yoga class of monday with one of my favorite people, and its amazing how much I learned about myself in that hour.  I am totally out of tune with my body, almost removed. I guess that makes sense, if I am removed from my body, I dont have to deal with everything going on inside of it. I really had to work so hard to try to relax and focus on my breathing.  Once I was able to (some what) I really enjoyed myself and felt so good afterwards.  I know that Yoga is going to be very therapeutic for me.  Also through a few situations this past week, I realized that I truly need to stand up for myself and my family more. I am a pleaser, so are my husband and daughter.  I am so tired of 'entertaining' and 'encouraging' peoples passive-aggressive behavior. You either say exactly what you mean/want to say, or keep your mouth shut. I am tired of it.
And I am tired of always being overly cooperative/submissive because people get their "feeling' hurt, or tiptoeing around on eggshells to not hurt someones feelings.  Now, dont mistake what Im saying as I am going to be aggressive, or confrontational. that is not the case. However, I am going to stand firm with our thoughts, feelings, wants and ideas. AND I am going to ignore, or 'call out' passive aggressive behavior, I am not going to play into it anymore. We are all family and adults, and we should all be able to voice our opinions, and live our lives with out this much underlying bs.  I am going to focus on my family, and myself and better us and our future.

Happy New Year!

Wow! I cant believe that it is 2012!!! The year went by super fast in some ways...and not fast enough in others.  2011 was pretty rough. So much has changed. The tragic loss of a sister. new diagnosis. quiting a job of 6 years. finding out who my true friends are. moving on from the toxic ones. finding my half sister. rebuilding relationships with my other sisters.  As I reflect on the past year (s) I am looking forward to this coming year. I have alot of goals this year...I am turning 30 this year you know...I am still working on my 30 before 30 list =) But also Bryan and I are working to close a huge chapter in our life, and truly move forward with a fresh start, and we are so looking forward to it.  I am also going to really, honestly focus on me this year.  I am going to continue to try to be as healthy as I can. But my main goal is to find inner peace...to allow myself to let go of some intense s#!t I have carried around for far to long, and try to heal.  Losing my oldest sister has really put so many things in perspective, and I want to LIVE my life, how ever long that is. I want to feel comfortable and happy in my own skin, and I want to be able to love myself (or at least like myself)  I want to be able to see myself the way my family and friends see me. And I want to be able to not blame myself EVERYDAY for what happened to Jasmine.  I know...everyone tells me I shouldnt, its not my fault, but I blame myself... I also realize that the last part will take longer than a year to achieve, but you have to start somewhere right?

...Changes...

Its crazy, its only been 3 months since I became a 'housewife' but I love it so much, I feel like I always have been.  There are many changes going on in our house.  We have just been reminded how short and precious life truly is, and we are not wasting anymore time.  Jasmine is in full school mode. LOVES fourth grade. And is still taking voice lessons. We are looking into some acting/theater classes for her, as well as some dance.  She has HUGE dreams involving the arts, so we are trying everything in our power to help them come true for her.  Bryan will be finally going back to school in January for winter quarter. He (we) has wanted to go back to school since Jasmine was a baby, but something always came up, so we are making it happen. It will be a huge adjustment for our family, having him work, and go to school, but we are determined to make it happen. We know that it will be more than worth it in the long run.  I am really trying to take care of myself, and educate myself about my health issues, and trying to make huge adjustments to our lifestyle to improve all of our health.  I am beginning to make everything from scratch. We are trying to eat completely dairy and gluten free, I have been doing a ton of research and have found that there are 'hidden' gluten and dairy ingredients in so many things. We are beginning to eat pretty much vegan/raw. I am learning how to can and cook in a completely different way (I am even thinking of getting rid of the microwave!). We have been watching a ton of documentaries on food and health. I am horrified at what the FDA approves, and what we have been feeding ourselves and Jasmine.     I recently spent the day with a friend, and we made laundry soap! It was so much fun, and I couldn't believe how easy it was, and how CHEAP the ingredients are. I am going to make dish soap and household cleaners next...then who knows...I will probably move onto everything else! LOL!  You all might think I am being a little over the top, but I am excited.  I am also going to start going to yoga very regularly.  Which will be amazingly beneficial in so many ways.  I am having a hard time with the loss of my oldest sister Angie. I cant believe that she is really gone. But we have her to thank for all of these wonderful changes in our lives.  She reminded us that our time here is very short, and we need to LIVE while we are here.  So Thank You Lulu! I miss you more and more each day. I love you to the moon and back. Forever!

...Life...

Life can be funny. It seems to always have a way of letting you know whose in charge. Its been quite a while since my last post, and its crazy how much everything is different.  I quit my job. It was hard. Because I loved what I did, and loved the people I worked with dearly, but I just couldnt do it anymore. The stress was too much, and my body couldnt take it any more. So we made the choice for me to leave. And, I felt good about really taking care of myself for once. I thought that not working would help me feel better, and I did for a few weeks, but then things took a bad turn. About 6 weeks ago,  Jasmine and I were over at my friends house. I had really been feeling bad for a few days, and I woke up feeling very tired, kind of pre-seizure, and just really bad in general. But, I thought it would go away. So we went over to my friends, and pretty soon, I felt horrible. And not to be dramatic, but I thought I was having a heart attack, and ended up going to urgent care. Long story short, on top of everything else, I am working with a cardiologist. After alot of testing, I was told that I have a hole in my heart. Apparently, I was born with it. And if you dont have issues with it when you are a baby, you usually start having problems around 30.  It has really affected Jasmine. She was beyond freaked out when it happened, and now she doesnt want to leave my side.  She was doing so well until this. This has been a huge set back for her. 

Then, 2 weeks ago, my whole family's world stopped. My oldest sister, Angie, passed away. I am still trying to process it. I found out on the 25th (thursday) we all met friday at the funeral home/mortuary to plan her service, and go over the details of having her cremated. We had her viewing on Wednesday the 31st. Amber and I did her make-up for her viewing, Alisha was there with us for moral support.( I am so proud of us. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I am glad we had each-other for that) And her Service was on thursday, the 1st. It was beautiful. Linda Hornbuckle, Mac Potts, and some other amazing musicians did the music. It was at a beautiful park, that has the most amazing rose garden. It all seems completely surreal to me. I am heartbroken. I still dont even know what to say. I wanted so much to write something to her to be read at the service, but I couldnt find the words. I still cant.  Jasmine has had a very hard time with this. She just doesnt understand it at all. None of us do.