thoughts

I have been doing alot of soul searching lately.  Really reflecting on everything, and trying to put everything in perspective. Trying to decide how to proceed. Alot of it has to do with me turning 30.  Alot of it has to do with my health, losing my sister, and part of my past that I am being forced to confront.  I have alot of 'crap' I have been carrying around for far too long. I am determined to work through it all, and let it go. I want to go into my 30's free from it all.   I tend to internalize everything. Something stressful/tragic/heartbreaking happens, I react, then ball it up, and store it away, and 'Power through"-This is no longer working for me. Not that it was in the past, but I am on the brink of completely exploding and having a melt down.  I know that I have alot of work ahead of me, but I am ready. I know that I have to so I can be the best mother and wife I can be.  And So I can truly find myself.  I went to a yoga class of monday with one of my favorite people, and its amazing how much I learned about myself in that hour.  I am totally out of tune with my body, almost removed. I guess that makes sense, if I am removed from my body, I dont have to deal with everything going on inside of it. I really had to work so hard to try to relax and focus on my breathing.  Once I was able to (some what) I really enjoyed myself and felt so good afterwards.  I know that Yoga is going to be very therapeutic for me.  Also through a few situations this past week, I realized that I truly need to stand up for myself and my family more. I am a pleaser, so are my husband and daughter.  I am so tired of 'entertaining' and 'encouraging' peoples passive-aggressive behavior. You either say exactly what you mean/want to say, or keep your mouth shut. I am tired of it.
And I am tired of always being overly cooperative/submissive because people get their "feeling' hurt, or tiptoeing around on eggshells to not hurt someones feelings.  Now, dont mistake what Im saying as I am going to be aggressive, or confrontational. that is not the case. However, I am going to stand firm with our thoughts, feelings, wants and ideas. AND I am going to ignore, or 'call out' passive aggressive behavior, I am not going to play into it anymore. We are all family and adults, and we should all be able to voice our opinions, and live our lives with out this much underlying bs.  I am going to focus on my family, and myself and better us and our future.